Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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