can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
