I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
