i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
