i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
