dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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