Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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