I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
