im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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