one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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