bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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