Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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