if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
