Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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