Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
