Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
