I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
