we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
