She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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