Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
