I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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