mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
