Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
