I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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