there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
A+ Viking dick
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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