oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
