Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
