My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
