Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
