I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
