i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
