i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
