you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
