so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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