the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
