I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
