He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
