so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
