the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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