Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
