I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize