Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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