Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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