That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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