I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
