Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
