the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
