his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
