My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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