ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
