woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
