My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
as a side note pls kill me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
