He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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