My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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