I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
