I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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