he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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