evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
