Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
