Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
